Blog #3: chasing perfection

What has been happening those 2 months that I haven’t written a word on this blog is that my days pass with me looking at myself in the mirror searching for flaws. That’s what I sid just seconds before sitting in my bed to write this post. I’m looking at my boobs, at my belly, my ass, my face and feel undesirable, inadequate, someone “not-worth-your-attention”. And even if my female friends often complement my looks, I can’t get over this obsession I have. And the guys I hang out with, not only won’t they say something genuinely nice, but they will feed my insecurities and even create new ones, pointing out a flaw I had never noticed. I’ve lost more than 20 kilos since my freshman year, and since then, my body has become my biggest fear; not to gain the lost weight back. When I was 20+ kgs, I knew what my flaws were. And I embraced them. I was much more confident than now, because I knew who I was and I was rolling with that. Now, I am scared of who I am, I guess, so I continuously postpone the meeting with myself.

When I think of those people that point out my imperfections, I think to myself, “how can those imperfect creatures talk like that about me, when, first of all, I never asked about their opinions and secondly, I’ve never pointed out which are, in my opinion, their flaws?”, as a coping mechanism towards how much their words really affected me. Maybe their coping mechanism to fight their insecurities is to lower other people’s self esteem by talking shit. That’s totally cool, as far as it isn’t abusive. The thing is, how can a perfectionist get over this behaviour, accept their flaws and imperfections and start living without the fear of rejection? Will I ever be able to see my post-workout bloated belly as something I roll with, my opinions not as boring and not worth sharing as I think and,generally, my role in this play called life, as important as the other actors’? I really don’t know, I feel kind of hopeless. Analysing all those feelings, as I did above, they seem illogical and, theoretically, there are easy solutions. Practically, though, it’s too hard for me to keep my self esteem high, or at least, not low, when I always think I’m doing something wrong or that I’m always going to be the last choice.

I’m in a really dark place right now, but I want to get out of it. I want to live, I’m just lost. Bear with me.

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