Blog #3: chasing perfection

What has been happening those 2 months that I haven’t written a word on this blog is that my days pass with me looking at myself in the mirror searching for flaws. That’s what I sid just seconds before sitting in my bed to write this post. I’m looking at my boobs, at my belly, my ass, my face and feel undesirable, inadequate, someone “not-worth-your-attention”. And even if my female friends often complement my looks, I can’t get over this obsession I have. And the guys I hang out with, not only won’t they say something genuinely nice, but they will feed my insecurities and even create new ones, pointing out a flaw I had never noticed. I’ve lost more than 20 kilos since my freshman year, and since then, my body has become my biggest fear; not to gain the lost weight back. When I was 20+ kgs, I knew what my flaws were. And I embraced them. I was much more confident than now, because I knew who I was and I was rolling with that. Now, I am scared of who I am, I guess, so I continuously postpone the meeting with myself.

When I think of those people that point out my imperfections, I think to myself, “how can those imperfect creatures talk like that about me, when, first of all, I never asked about their opinions and secondly, I’ve never pointed out which are, in my opinion, their flaws?”, as a coping mechanism towards how much their words really affected me. Maybe their coping mechanism to fight their insecurities is to lower other people’s self esteem by talking shit. That’s totally cool, as far as it isn’t abusive. The thing is, how can a perfectionist get over this behaviour, accept their flaws and imperfections and start living without the fear of rejection? Will I ever be able to see my post-workout bloated belly as something I roll with, my opinions not as boring and not worth sharing as I think and,generally, my role in this play called life, as important as the other actors’? I really don’t know, I feel kind of hopeless. Analysing all those feelings, as I did above, they seem illogical and, theoretically, there are easy solutions. Practically, though, it’s too hard for me to keep my self esteem high, or at least, not low, when I always think I’m doing something wrong or that I’m always going to be the last choice.

I’m in a really dark place right now, but I want to get out of it. I want to live, I’m just lost. Bear with me.

Blog #2: how activism helped me in social situations, vegan-related questions that drive me crazy

Hello there! I’m a little bit better- I think that writing everything down, really helped me express my feelings. I still feel like me stomach and chest are heavy, as if in when you eat a lot of junk and then drink a soda… that heavy(!), but I seem to manage my anxiety a little bit better. I can see that because I handled a really serious conversation very nicely, without being aggressive or holding things inside of me because I would be stressed that the other person might be offended or I might seem insensitive etc.

So, this is what happened. On Thursday, I had  an hour break from class so, I went with two friends to buy some fabric for carnival costumes. Suddenly, my guy friend, who is from Egypt, asked me “So, what are you doing for Amnesty Int.?” and we get into a conversation that Amnesty isn’t a charity organisation, but I, as a person, have done some volunteering for charity, when helping in refugee shelters. Then he asked me what I think about the whole situation. I knew at this moment that it was going to be a very uncomfortable conversation, because he is a Christian Greek-Egyptian, which means he is a minority in his country and thus has strong feelings about how Muslims treat Christians from his own experience. At first, I told him what I’ve been in those shelters and their fury is completely understandable for how the conditions there are to the amount of money spent by them to enter Europe. And he went on saying that “Greeks are very good with them, but Muslims are a strange race”. What I did to give the best answer possible was explaining that when extremists are in power, the mob that follows them, thinks they’re superior to those that differentiate from them and act as so. And he agreed with that. I was so impressed with myself; I was able to say what I really think without giving any space for further argument on the topic, or, on the other hand, without getting triggered and starting an unnecessary pro- Muslim monologue, that would be completely out of point and wouldn’t benefit any of us, because I am an atheist and he has been affected by extremist Muslim behavior. I’ve learnt that “technique” by being an activist. Stepping in other people’s shoes is the key to healthy relationships, good conversations and even your own path in life.

La haine (1995)

NOW, LET’S RANT! The worst thing about being a vegan is people always coming after you for your beliefs. What’s your fucking issue? Do I bother you because I eat no meat and wear no fur? How do my **peaceful and harmless** ideas trigger you that much? Does me being a vegan influence you or your eating habits? NO??? Then STFU. I am honestly so fed up being judged about everything. I mean, it’s my body, I’m an adult, I harm nobody, I’m free to do what I want. Although I’m often silent about the topic because it’s nobody’s business but mine and I won’t advocate for it unless someone is really interested and ask me, in this post, I will answer all the questions I get from people that don’t want to learn or listen anything but their opinion, they just wanna belittle the vegan way of life.
1. Q.”Why are you vegan?” -This person doesn’t want to know what “for the animals” really means, they just want to say “but plants have feelings too, they’re alive {blah blah blah}”- A.”The reason, my friend, I’m a vegan is because I believe in fucking freedom and I’m not a narcissist that thinks that the whole world and nature is there for serving my needs”

2. Q. “Where do you get your protein from?”- A. “Where does the cow you eat get its protein from?”

3. Q. “But, if people were not supposed to eat meat, we wouldn’t have the dogteeth”- A: “Chimpanzees have them too, our DNAs match by 95% and they’re fruitarian. Yet, you think you are a fucking wolf ”

4. Q: “You used to like ____, have some, a little cheat doesn’t hurt”- A: “I’m not on a diet, I don’t do it for my calorie intake! It’s my lifestyle, the way my mind and my soul work and there is no food that is superior to that”

5. Q: “You ‘re going to lose friends, boyfriends etc because you’re not adapting to the norms”- A: “If people can’t accept me as I am, then I’ll be glad to see them leave”

PEOPLE GET A LIFE PLEASE! There is a world full of knowledge outside. Try to get some and stop criticising. Maybe then, you’ll feel a little bit better yourself. Huh?

Blog #1: new semester feat. mental breakdowns

[Edit: sorry for the abstract writing, i was so sleepy while typing this. It was a long day😥]

This week the new semester began and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna suck worse than the previous one. The classes are uninteresting, the professors either boring or unwilling to teach properly their subject. These little things are that make me question myself on why I chose to study at this particular department& university. Is it really what I want to become? A maritime economist? Nawwww!!!! Is the knowledge I get interesting& valuable enough for me to carry on there? What I’m gonna do with my life? I only have 3 semesters left. I have to decide and make a plan, because I need to chase some opportunities, I’m 21, or a 3-year-old adult. I need to take risks for me, for my own wellbeing ; not to fulfill my family’s expectations of me.

You know, I’m always dreaming that I work at art galleries or that I own one. I try to find a way to enter to the “art industry”, but I find it sooo hard, especially in Greece. Money is a big issue too. Will I be financially able to continue my studies for a master’s, in order to become more specialized on something more art-related? When? Where? All those questions are constantly in my head…

All that brings us to this day…

Today was NOT a good day whatsoever. I had had a anxiety attack for the second time in my life (I have prevented a dozen others tho) for the dumbest reason ever. So, let me explain what happened. I had a 2-hour break from class so me and a friend of mine headed to a hospital close to uni, for my friend to get her test results. I said I was going to wait for her outside and bring some coffee. I entered the coffee shop and made my order while searching for my wallet, which I could not find. Mind you, at this point, that I can’t recall any moment that I had taken my wallet off of my bag. I canceled the order and stepped outside the coffee shop to try and find my wallet. When I was 100% sure that it wasn’t in my bag, my hands started shaking and I began to cry. Nonstop. I called my brother who was at home to ask him if the wallet was there (it was), but even if he assured that it wasn’t stolen or missing, I just couldn’t stop crying. Why? I don’t know. I think it was just an incident that triggered a reaction for the great anxiety and sadness I’ve been feeling lately. The thing os that I cannot find the reasoning behind those feelings. I try to work it out but it’s so difficult😢

This (potential) series of blogs are for me, firstly, to express my feelings in hopes of overcoming my fears and daemons, and then, for all of you struggling with some broke ass student’s problems, like me and for your entertainment of course.

P.s.: I really want to translate some of my posts from Greek to English, but it’s really hard for me to express myself in English when it comes to politics and activist stuff. I’LL TRY MY BEST THO😂

Favourite (rock) albums- Jan 2017

I know it’s been a long time since I last posted, but I needed some time for myself, to figure things out in my life, to see what causes the sadness I’ve been feeling for the last 3 or so months. I am still half-way through, because I’ve become such an introvert- I hardly ever talk about things of my concern or feelings with my friends and family, I’ve become so shy around boys and so fearful of everything. As a person that has fought with anxiety disorders and depression most of my life (especially in my teen years), the realisation that some of the norms (feelings, habits etc) that I thought I had overcome the past two years, came back, terrifies me. So, I try by myself to repeat the whole “process” of therapy, because it was such a helpful experience for me, in hopes that I can overcome this dark place I’m in at the moment.i_love_you_honeybear

I think it would be a good idea to talk about my depression history in a next post, but for now, something a little more cheerful- My favourite rock albums at the moment, or to be precise, what I listen to at this time period. Some of the albums are new, some of them are not- but all of them are pure gems.

So, here goes the list:

  1. The Pale emperor Marilyn Manson (2015) : Against to popular belief, I think that The Pale Emperor is one of the best (if not the #1) albums that MM has brought out. The lyrics are still cynical and provocative; he’s still the antichrist superstar, but he’s not a repetitive caricature of himself anymore. Before TPE, you knew what you’d expect from MM: something almost pretentiously provocative, but musically mediocre. In TPE, his vocals are way better, the tunes are sooooo sexxxy, his lyrics seem honest and relatable. The album as an ensemble is great, very coherent, but my favourite songs are the ‘catchy’ “Third day of a seven day binge” and “The Mephistopheles of Los Angeles”.
  2. Skeleton Tree- Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds (2016): Well, I’ve raved about the first single from this album, “Jesus alone”, on how much emotion it brought to my poor heart. The rest of the album didn’t let me down, it was what I was expecting; a way darker version of ‘Push the sky away’ (2013), which I love. Every time I play this album I start crying (yeah, I’m not OK- I know), so I can’t get into technical details. My favourites are the ‘heartbreaking’ “I need you” and “Girl in Amber”.
  3. Pretty on the inside&The first session – Hole (1991& 1997 [originally early 1990’s]): I got into that grunge/ punk rock phase in late July- August. I started listening to Nirvana and then I ‘hopped’ to Hole. BEST DECISION EVER. How underrated was this band (at least in Greece, where I live)? Raw lyrics, true ‘in-your-face’ poetry, edgy, harsh tunes mirroring Courtney Love’s dark stories. Her vocals are not the best in the industry, that’s true, but her screams tho- I live for them. I could go on and on about Hole and Courtney Love, but this is not a post about them. My favourite songs: a. from TFS:”Retard Girl”, “Turpentine”, b. from POTI: “Teenage whore”, “Loaded”.
  4. The LHI years: Singles, Nudes and backsides(1968-71)- Lee Hazlewood (2012): Another underrated artist, mostly known for his collaboration with Nancy Sinatra (‘Summer wine’, ‘some velvet morning’ etc). In my opinion, it’s much easier to bring psychedelia and incorporate ‘liberal’sex scenes into rock music, like ‘the Doors’, for example did, than into country music, that is known for easy- catchy melodies and surfaced lyrics. Lee Hazlewood was the badass of country- either combining the atmospheric melodies with erotic scene- like lyrics or by changing the tempo during some of his songs among with surrealistic images: he was making art, playing with the audience’s senses, introducing them to his world. My favs: “The night before” and “Bye Babe”.
  5. Sexual harassment Turbonegro(2012): Turbonegro’s satirical lyrics, accompanied with great vocals by Duke of Nothing and good tunes – their use of bass suits so nicely the vocals. The nihilistic jokes get me all the time. Nothing more about it. It’s a great album- listen to it if you haven’t already. Favourites: “Shake your shit machine”, “Tight jeans, loose leash”.
  6. Everything you’ve come to expect- The Last Shadow puppets (2016): My ‘guilty’ pleasure (although I don’t feel guilty at all about liking it) is a great album. This baroque pop/ alt-rock gem is everything I’ve come to expect. I don’t know why many said it was shitty compared to ‘the age of the understatement'(2008). It was not. It was a much more coherent album both musically and lyrically than their previous one. Kane&Turner’s collaboration brings out two faces of seduction and erotic behaviour: Kane is the rough one and Turner the soft(-er) one, something visible by both the songs that each of them leads and their vocals. Catchy tunes, poetic lyrics and (finally) an album that Alex Turner sings with his actual voice. Miles Kane is always great both in the album and live (I saw them @Rockwave festival, Athens 2016). Fav songs: “Aviation” & “Everything you’ve come to expect”.
  7. I love you, honeybear- Father John Misty (2015): Not a huge fan of Tillman but when I first listened to ‘I love you, honeybear’ on Spotify, I said to myself that I need to hear the whole album. So, I did. And I’ve stuck with it. The lyrics are OK- nothing really innovative or poetic, but those melodies brought me to another place. It’s like getting high minus the substances. I somehow dream of myself being somewhere really hot, with pink skies, sandy beaches with campfires and lots of booze. Great vocals too. He sings so effortessly and his voice has no harsh lines, it’s so clear, atherial. Favourite songs: ‘When you’re smiling and astride me’ & ‘Nothing good ever happens at goddamn thirsty crow’.
  8. M3L155X- FKA Twigs (2015): I was introduced to Twigs by accident- actually her single ‘Good to love’ (2016) was in my suggested videos on YouTube and I clicked on it and then I clicked on to watch M3L155X music video. The strange avant- garde background sounds and her excellent singing on her falsettes bring out something strange but erotic. She’s like a an alien nymph-siren or something. The visuals that directs herself have the same vibe too. She is an amazing artist that has her own aesthetic and is not afraid of innovating. M3L155X is an ensemble act, so I have no favourite songs. It’s a great audiovisual piece of art.

Hope you liked my list! You can leave your favourite albums in the comments below!

 

Jesus at Oreokastro

Parents at a school at Oreokastro, Greece announced that they DO NOT welcome children refugees at THEIR school.

I have some questions for those people:

  1. What kind of parents are you?

Teaching your children that other children will hurt them by just being of another country, or don’t have the same beliefs as you.

You are excluding children and people from your life because they are not like you, fearing that you’ll lose some kind of privilege you think you have, when it’s nothing more than a social construct- a wall separating you from real opportunities, real difficulties, real life.

And all that, in the name of some god. But, wait, let me get this straight…

2. What kind of Christians are you, when you do not love your neighbour, your fellow civilian, the immigrant, the refugee?

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“Refugee”, by Georgia Kalogerogianni

Jesus was a refugee, if I’m not mistaken, because his mother conceived while not being married which was illegal, not to mention, a social disgrace.

So, I guess, that’s what you would call Jesus: “A refugee bastard”.

When he grew up he started teaching people the importance of love. His students; prostitutes, thieves, fishermen, poor and rich.

According to you, though, Jesus would be an “immigrant troublemaker” that wants to destroy your  civilization so he, with his “gang” can take over your lovely village.

So, the right thing to do would be:

Firstly, ignore him, as if he had no needs.

Secondly, exclude him from anything that requires interaction with him and his “gang”.

Then, put him in prison if he expresses his need to live as a decent human being.

And, if he continued to protest, burn him on a cross, because he set your privilege on fire while you’re trying to save it by degrading others.

Finally, make laws that anyone with the same beliefs, would have the same fate.

3. So…  Does Christianity equals elitism?

I don’t know. I’m not even Christian.

But I think I get it more than you do.

What I see in the mirror

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see brave people.

I see my great-grandmother holding a baby while carrying a huge bag full of sea salt on her shoulders under the hot greek sun.

She does not complain.

She is calm. She didn’t help her violent husband get out of prison cause she was afraid for herself and her girls.

She’s poor and alone, but she had never been that free.

I see my grandmother, who did not compromise to what the standards and the traditions were. She got married twice, trying to fit in the world’s standards. But, yaya is a free bird. She doesn’t need anyone. You can leave  her all alone in a desert and she’d still find her way to survive. That’s strength.

 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a survivor.

I see that girl with the melancholic look asking too many questions that no-one was willing to answer.

I examine every inch of the body that four years ago I wanted to kill and happily realise I’m not that person anymore.

I watch those legs and arms that could not move out of bed and even an unpleasant or boring conversation would make them weaker and weaker.

My nose and eyes seem so red in that mirror- I’ve had a drink or two I suppose.

Yes, I’ve been drinking- I don’t know why I stand naked in front of the mirror.

This may seem like a downfall, but I never break, I just crack.

Jesus Alone by Nick Cave&the Bad Seeds : Review and its contribution to rock industry

16 hours ago, “Jesus Alone” was released by the Australian band Nick Cave &the bad seeds, which follows the same musical narrative as “Push the sky away”, the band’s previous album.

In the beginning of the song I was drawn to the thought that it was going to be something really dark and haunting, creating an atmosphere like of that in “Murder ballads” & “I let love in”, but Cave’s vocals afterwards and the entrance of the piano in the track, made it clear that it is the darker, more melancholic “sibling” of PTSA.

His voice is so soft and smooth, yet cracks at some points giving a pinch of theatricality in his every word. Especially, the central lyrics “With my voice, I’m calling you”, bring you to tears.

“Jesus Alone” is a musical key that opens some kind of door full of feelings for all of us that have at least one time dealt with grief. It’s not just the lyrics; it’s the vocals and the music that harmonically take you to a 6-minute- long drive thinking about someone you’ve lost.maxresdefault

Cave doesn’t try to lift himself up in the song, and that’s what really makes him a great artist. His feelings are raw and pure, because this is how you deal with grief: You over-analyze your pain and your emptiness, you are in a spiral full of question marks about what happened, what have been unsaid, how lonely you feel, the people dying and those that kill others.

The great thing about this song (although I’ve said it like a million times in this post, but I’d like to say that again), is how close to the audience it is, which is super-rare in the music industry. Rock music has become either a faceless, “rock n’roll”- like, sexy(-ist) tune or a superficial political or social message piece. Rock lacks personality, but thankfully there are people like Nick Cave that bring us emotion, tears, thoughts, and most importantly, truth.

Jesus Alone is on Spotify & YouTube

The album “Skeleton Tree” is out on 09/09

The movie “One more time with feeling” is out on 09/08

Freedom is an illusion

​I watch those siblings crying over their brother’s body for my white supermacist freedom not to be disturbed.

But I’m not truly free. 

I’ve got blood on my hands and in my mouth. I’ve killed those kids in Aleppo, in Damascus, in Nigeria- all over the world, even if I’m doing nothing. My smartphone is the mask the government gives me to stay blind. It feels like watching a horror movie and I’m locked in the theater. I’m handcuffed on the red velvet chair I sit on; Trying to strangle myself to escape from the torture of watching and remaining silent, but I can’t even reach my throat.

 I try to scream, so that I get someone to help me. The cries of the children overpass my voice and those that handed me the phone keep my eyes shut. Where is the damn freedom you said I had? How dare you talk about freedom when I hear those voices and I cannot move from this blood coloured prison you’ve built for me?

 Fuck your elitist freedom. Gimme some peace with kids going to school, fearless lovers and colour blind people.
That’s what my freedom looks like.

Poem by MareRubrum

Designed for me

In response to this week’s challenge “Designed for you“, I want to share with you the things that I think were designed to make my life easier. And that’s all about clothes.

I have a minimalist wardrobe, so the things I wear are always the same and I buy the same things if anything happens to them.

The first thing is my ultimate summertime favourite loose/ harlem pants. I always have 2 pairs in order to change them when the one pair needs to be washed. Always the one is black and the other one is with some print on it. I’ve been to concerts, festivals, demonstrations, at uni, when I’m travelling with these. I litterally  wear them everywhere.
The second thing that I think was made to make my life easier are sweaters and leggings for the winter. There are not more comfortable things than these. They are always wearable, I won’t be exaggerating if I’d say that they are an all time classic, as I wear them everyday except Saturday nights.

Also, there is a pair of biker boots that I buy over and over again for the last four years. They have really short heels, about 3cm, that makes them super comfortable when its raining outside or at wintertime in general.

The last thing that was made exclusively to serve my laziness is a pair of handmade silver earrings I bought about a year ago. They are “a pain in the ass” when it comes to putting them on, but once they’re on, I wear nothing else. I don’t even take them off when I shower or when I go to bed because they don’t hurt me, their silver is of great quality and they clip on very well, not to mention they’re really elegant and I can wear them everyday at anytime.

I hope that you find my post relatable and that you comment here or you write a blog post about the things you relate to. 

Jeopardize // Only lovers left alive

via Daily Prompt: Jeopardize

When I saw today’s daily prompt, the fist thing that came in mind was the movie “Only lovers left alive”, I don’t really know why… So, I wrote a microstory about a vampire and a mermaid (who are in love) and how they react to people destroying nature.

You can’t swim and I can’t walk, but we will both reach the coast

I’ll still be in the water and you’ll sit on the rocks

you’ll tell me stories about people and birds and horses; those that run free on the frozen coasts

And I’ll tell you stories about fish and corals and seamen that are no longer searching for mermaids and who are desperate

You’ll say that all people are unhappy- seamen or not- oppressed and oppressing

They jeopardize the only life they ever knew, the only place they’ve lived in

And they’re killing us too

I’ll kiss you and I hope all your sorrows slip away

tomorrow there’ll be a better day

gal_mermaid-pictures_arctic-mermaids