Blog #3: chasing perfection

What has been happening those 2 months that I haven’t written a word on this blog is that my days pass with me looking at myself in the mirror searching for flaws. That’s what I sid just seconds before sitting in my bed to write this post. I’m looking at my boobs, at my belly, my ass, my face and feel undesirable, inadequate, someone “not-worth-your-attention”. And even if my female friends often complement my looks, I can’t get over this obsession I have. And the guys I hang out with, not only won’t they say something genuinely nice, but they will feed my insecurities and even create new ones, pointing out a flaw I had never noticed. I’ve lost more than 20 kilos since my freshman year, and since then, my body has become my biggest fear; not to gain the lost weight back. When I was 20+ kgs, I knew what my flaws were. And I embraced them. I was much more confident than now, because I knew who I was and I was rolling with that. Now, I am scared of who I am, I guess, so I continuously postpone the meeting with myself.

When I think of those people that point out my imperfections, I think to myself, “how can those imperfect creatures talk like that about me, when, first of all, I never asked about their opinions and secondly, I’ve never pointed out which are, in my opinion, their flaws?”, as a coping mechanism towards how much their words really affected me. Maybe their coping mechanism to fight their insecurities is to lower other people’s self esteem by talking shit. That’s totally cool, as far as it isn’t abusive. The thing is, how can a perfectionist get over this behaviour, accept their flaws and imperfections and start living without the fear of rejection? Will I ever be able to see my post-workout bloated belly as something I roll with, my opinions not as boring and not worth sharing as I think and,generally, my role in this play called life, as important as the other actors’? I really don’t know, I feel kind of hopeless. Analysing all those feelings, as I did above, they seem illogical and, theoretically, there are easy solutions. Practically, though, it’s too hard for me to keep my self esteem high, or at least, not low, when I always think I’m doing something wrong or that I’m always going to be the last choice.

I’m in a really dark place right now, but I want to get out of it. I want to live, I’m just lost. Bear with me.

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Blog #2: how activism helped me in social situations, vegan-related questions that drive me crazy

Hello there! I’m a little bit better- I think that writing everything down, really helped me express my feelings. I still feel like me stomach and chest are heavy, as if in when you eat a lot of junk and then drink a soda… that heavy(!), but I seem to manage my anxiety a little bit better. I can see that because I handled a really serious conversation very nicely, without being aggressive or holding things inside of me because I would be stressed that the other person might be offended or I might seem insensitive etc.

So, this is what happened. On Thursday, I had  an hour break from class so, I went with two friends to buy some fabric for carnival costumes. Suddenly, my guy friend, who is from Egypt, asked me “So, what are you doing for Amnesty Int.?” and we get into a conversation that Amnesty isn’t a charity organisation, but I, as a person, have done some volunteering for charity, when helping in refugee shelters. Then he asked me what I think about the whole situation. I knew at this moment that it was going to be a very uncomfortable conversation, because he is a Christian Greek-Egyptian, which means he is a minority in his country and thus has strong feelings about how Muslims treat Christians from his own experience. At first, I told him what I’ve been in those shelters and their fury is completely understandable for how the conditions there are to the amount of money spent by them to enter Europe. And he went on saying that “Greeks are very good with them, but Muslims are a strange race”. What I did to give the best answer possible was explaining that when extremists are in power, the mob that follows them, thinks they’re superior to those that differentiate from them and act as so. And he agreed with that. I was so impressed with myself; I was able to say what I really think without giving any space for further argument on the topic, or, on the other hand, without getting triggered and starting an unnecessary pro- Muslim monologue, that would be completely out of point and wouldn’t benefit any of us, because I am an atheist and he has been affected by extremist Muslim behavior. I’ve learnt that “technique” by being an activist. Stepping in other people’s shoes is the key to healthy relationships, good conversations and even your own path in life.

La haine (1995)

NOW, LET’S RANT! The worst thing about being a vegan is people always coming after you for your beliefs. What’s your fucking issue? Do I bother you because I eat no meat and wear no fur? How do my **peaceful and harmless** ideas trigger you that much? Does me being a vegan influence you or your eating habits? NO??? Then STFU. I am honestly so fed up being judged about everything. I mean, it’s my body, I’m an adult, I harm nobody, I’m free to do what I want. Although I’m often silent about the topic because it’s nobody’s business but mine and I won’t advocate for it unless someone is really interested and ask me, in this post, I will answer all the questions I get from people that don’t want to learn or listen anything but their opinion, they just wanna belittle the vegan way of life.
1. Q.”Why are you vegan?” -This person doesn’t want to know what “for the animals” really means, they just want to say “but plants have feelings too, they’re alive {blah blah blah}”- A.”The reason, my friend, I’m a vegan is because I believe in fucking freedom and I’m not a narcissist that thinks that the whole world and nature is there for serving my needs”

2. Q. “Where do you get your protein from?”- A. “Where does the cow you eat get its protein from?”

3. Q. “But, if people were not supposed to eat meat, we wouldn’t have the dogteeth”- A: “Chimpanzees have them too, our DNAs match by 95% and they’re fruitarian. Yet, you think you are a fucking wolf ”

4. Q: “You used to like ____, have some, a little cheat doesn’t hurt”- A: “I’m not on a diet, I don’t do it for my calorie intake! It’s my lifestyle, the way my mind and my soul work and there is no food that is superior to that”

5. Q: “You ‘re going to lose friends, boyfriends etc because you’re not adapting to the norms”- A: “If people can’t accept me as I am, then I’ll be glad to see them leave”

PEOPLE GET A LIFE PLEASE! There is a world full of knowledge outside. Try to get some and stop criticising. Maybe then, you’ll feel a little bit better yourself. Huh?

Blog #1: new semester feat. mental breakdowns

[Edit: sorry for the abstract writing, i was so sleepy while typing this. It was a long day😥]

This week the new semester began and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna suck worse than the previous one. The classes are uninteresting, the professors either boring or unwilling to teach properly their subject. These little things are that make me question myself on why I chose to study at this particular department& university. Is it really what I want to become? A maritime economist? Nawwww!!!! Is the knowledge I get interesting& valuable enough for me to carry on there? What I’m gonna do with my life? I only have 3 semesters left. I have to decide and make a plan, because I need to chase some opportunities, I’m 21, or a 3-year-old adult. I need to take risks for me, for my own wellbeing ; not to fulfill my family’s expectations of me.

You know, I’m always dreaming that I work at art galleries or that I own one. I try to find a way to enter to the “art industry”, but I find it sooo hard, especially in Greece. Money is a big issue too. Will I be financially able to continue my studies for a master’s, in order to become more specialized on something more art-related? When? Where? All those questions are constantly in my head…

All that brings us to this day…

Today was NOT a good day whatsoever. I had had a anxiety attack for the second time in my life (I have prevented a dozen others tho) for the dumbest reason ever. So, let me explain what happened. I had a 2-hour break from class so me and a friend of mine headed to a hospital close to uni, for my friend to get her test results. I said I was going to wait for her outside and bring some coffee. I entered the coffee shop and made my order while searching for my wallet, which I could not find. Mind you, at this point, that I can’t recall any moment that I had taken my wallet off of my bag. I canceled the order and stepped outside the coffee shop to try and find my wallet. When I was 100% sure that it wasn’t in my bag, my hands started shaking and I began to cry. Nonstop. I called my brother who was at home to ask him if the wallet was there (it was), but even if he assured that it wasn’t stolen or missing, I just couldn’t stop crying. Why? I don’t know. I think it was just an incident that triggered a reaction for the great anxiety and sadness I’ve been feeling lately. The thing os that I cannot find the reasoning behind those feelings. I try to work it out but it’s so difficult😢

This (potential) series of blogs are for me, firstly, to express my feelings in hopes of overcoming my fears and daemons, and then, for all of you struggling with some broke ass student’s problems, like me and for your entertainment of course.

P.s.: I really want to translate some of my posts from Greek to English, but it’s really hard for me to express myself in English when it comes to politics and activist stuff. I’LL TRY MY BEST THO😂

Γιατί αφήνω το Facebook

Είμαι χρήστης του Facebook από το 2008/2009 και ομολογώ ότι εδώ κι έναν χρόνο περίπου νιώθω την ανάγκη να το κλείσω. 

Μετά τις βιωματικές εμπειρίες σε καταυλισμούς Ρομά και προσφύγων, το γυναικείο και ΛΟΑΤΚΙ+ κίνημα, γνωρίζοντας τόσους υπέροχους και δυνατούς ανθρώπους που πάλεψαν και παλεύουν καθημερινά για τα δικαιώματα τους και τη θέση τους στην κοινωνία, άλλαξε ο τρόπος που αντιλαμβάνομαι τον κόσμο. Σταμάτησε να είναι ο κόσμος του “εγώ και οι άλλοι” κι έγινε ο κόσμος της ιδιαιτερότητας, βλέποντας τον κάθε άνθρωπο σαν ξεχωριστή περίπτωση, εξετάζοντας τον χαρακτήρα του και θαυμάζοντας τη διαφορετικότητα του.

Ο Κειλας Σετγιαρδι είχε πει πως ο θυμός ήταν η κινητήρια δύναμη για να προσπαθήσει να αλλάξει πράγματα που θεωρούσε προβληματικά και λαθος, κι αυτό ήταν και είναι για εμένα το κίνητρο για να συνεχίσω να υπερασπίζομαι και να δείχνω την αλληλεγγύη μου σε όλες τις κοινωνικές ομάδες που τα δικαιώματα τους βρίσκονται σε κίνδυνο. Παρόλ αυτά, αυτό που διακατέχει τα κοινωνικά δίκτυα (ή μάλλον τους χρήστες τους) είναι μία μιζέρια και μία κακοήθεια τα οποία με κάνουν να θέλω να τα παρατήσω όλα και να αποδεχτώ οτι ο κόσμος θα είναι για πάντα άδικος και δεν υπάρχει τίποτα που μπορώ να κάνω για να τον αλλάξω, καθώς τα ίδια τα μέλη της κοινωνίας δεν θέλουν να αλλάξει (βολεύονται, φοβούνται κοκ). Μερικά παραδείγματα θα τα παραθεσω από κάτω:

Τέτοιου είδους αρνητική ενέργεια και σχόλια δεν χρειάζομαι στη ζωή μου. Μπορεί κάποιοι να πουν, “Γάμα τους, ειναι τρολ, ρατσιστές,καφροι”, το Facebook όμως τους δίνει χώρο, τέτοιον που προφανώς δεν δίνει σε σελίδες όπως το Ναι, είσαι μισογυνης, άλλων κινημάτων όπως το Black Lives Matter, μέχρι και ελευθερία εκφρασης σε ομόφυλα ζευγάρια(πχ σε μια φώτο που ο Αύγουστος Κορτώ φιλούσε τον σύζυγο του).

Αντίθετα, αστεία που σχετίζονται με την παιδεραστία, την αντικειμενοποίηση των σωμάτων, το normalization (ακόμα και κωμικά) ιστορικών μορφών που για την χώρα τους αλλα και για συγκεκριμένες κοινωνικές ομάδες σπέρνουν φόβο και θυμίζουν άδικες μέρες και καταστάσεις, το Facebook μοιάζει να έχει χώρο και δεν βρίσκει την όποια αναφορά για βίαιο περιεχόμενο έγκυρη.

Πριν από δύο χρόνια αποφάσισα να μην ζω εις βάρος και για χαρη κανενός. Όσο, όμως, υπάρχουν ανισότητες, ζω εις βάρος κάποιων ομαδων και για χάρη άλλων. Δεν είναι ανάγκη, παρόλ αυτά, να τρομοκρατουμαι διαρκώς γι αυτό. Προτιμώ να αφοσιωθώ στο πώς θα το αλλάξω.